Waking up to see the Son.

Depression on the "field"

January and February were the hardest of my time here in Hungary. Something you all may not know is of my struggle with chronic depression. It's a shock to many because in my normal state I'm known as a positive girl with rainbows and sunshine seeping out of my pores. But it is true. And  it is a struggle for almost all women in my family. It was almost three years ago that I had the worst bout of it that had a duration of almost two years. Since my salvation I was depression free. Until this January when I felt the familiar darkness and shadowy mist envelope me. But, what?!  Can a Christian even get depressed?? The answer, my dear reader, is 'yes'. And before you offer me platitudes (which, truly, I appreciate the effort) of "but pray more" or "read the Word more!" or simply "Just snap out of it! This isn't you!" But it is me. Sometimes. And it's out of the realm of my control. But it isn't out of the control of God.
In the midst of a bout my brain malfunctions (study the amygdala and hippocampus because they are fascinating!!) and I am paralyzed with feelings of hopelessness, a desire for death, a plague of uncharacteristic insecurities, paranoia, anger, and an insatiable need to hang out with my enabling friends Sylvia Plath and Salinger. If you haven't gone through this it may not sound as bad as it actually is. It's actually quite a deadly disease. And now imagine this while living in a castle with 100 people's eyes on you as an intern leader. The pressure was insurmountable. After about the 400th breakdown and threat to quit at a friend's house, she finally got me an appointment with a psychiatrist in Budapest. He is quite amazing and asks all the right questions. I still have one more appointment until the final "diagnosis", but the past week I have finally been feeling myself rise out of the 'misty valley' of depression. And I can't believe all that I've learned in this process. God has been challenging me in the issues of my heart. I've had intense lessons learned in how He loves me (Jer. 15:21) and how that should look as I love others (1 Corinthians 13) and how to walk in integrity (Proverbs 20:7). And it's been really scary, and I was really close to throwing in the towel on this whole thing...but God was faithful. And it was His strength in my weakness that allowed me to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other (something I really couldn't have done on my own). 
But now as the mist lifts and the pieces of life are being put back together I am beginning to be able to go back to being me and doing the things I love to do. My passion for God and His people is flowing back, my desire to be around humans has been regained, and I have a hope for the future. And I have so much to live for. 
I wake up knowing there will be days full of laughter; days of lying in the sun; days of long talks with my best friend; days of helping someone in need; days of counseling others and being counseled; days of telling people about Jesus who don't yet know; days of good food dancing on my taste buds; days of reading books out loud with friends; days of discovery. 
These are the days I live for. And even in the mundane or painful days, Jesus is there, right by my side. And He is more than enough to keep me going. 

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The first of the lasts.

Well here we are. The winter break has officially ended and the first round of students will arrive within hours of me writing this. This is my last semester here in Vajta. This is my last time welcoming new students. This weekend will be my last welcome dinner and orientation.

But...it's also a lot of firsts. This is my first time as Girl's Hall Leader; my first time being the assistant to the amazing Pam Markey; my first time training people to take over my old responsibilities.

So, all that to say, there is much going on over here at the moment. And I'm so thankful. And nervous.

Please pray for me as I try to lead the girls this semester; or rather just lead them to Christ whenever a sorrow or stress arrives. Pray that God will use me to make girls feel loved, comfortable, and motivated. Pray that the girl's hall this semester will be "real" and open and unified.

I desperately need the prayer because I'm a weak and emotional person. I need Christ's strength every morning. I'm so thankful for God's grace in putting me here in these positions.

I'm so thankful that I get to assist Pam Markey this semester. It's such a blessing because, well, I have an announcement. January 2015 is my projected date to (God willing) return to Paphos, Cyprus to serve with the church there (Calvary Chapel Cyprus) and work as a private English tutor. Cyprus is an amazing and beautiful country, but it's also a country with baggage. There is so much unbelievable division between Turkish people and Greeks, and so North Cyprus is very muslim and South Cyprus is very Orthodox Greek; both of which are people I'm very passionate about. Many people there have a concept of God, but not the right ideas about who He is and who Jesus is. And as it turns out...their English teachers are a bit faulty...  The culture is warm and Greek, which is fit perfectly to my personality. The church there loves Jesus and just wants to share His love with the people, which I'm all about! It just all feels so very right! So working for Pam basically means I get to glean some of her wisdom on missions and ministry. God's definitely preparing me for something! SO PLEASE pray as I start a bit of language study (Greek), attempt to gain my Greek passport so I can live there, and as I raise money to finish paying for this internship and for my future.

It's going to be wild.

[Vanessa and I with the amazing young ladies of Paphos]

[Meeting new people on New Years Day in Paphos]

[Vaness and I with the church in Paphos on NYE]

Note: Also, please pray for my dear friend Vanessa. She is called to serve in Paphos as well, but is having some visa difficulty!!

About Halfway There

 1 Peter 5: 2 Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly,[a] not for dishonest gain but eagerly; 3 nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; 4 and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.

I'm about halfway through this internship and I just can't believe how it passes in the blink of an eye. It seems like just yesterday I was being handed an intern key and settling into my desk.

But a whole semester has come and gone and now I'm sitting in one of the pastor's house as I house-sit for the winter while nearly everyone else has gone. It's a strange feeling to go from being completely busy and social, to doing almost nothing and in such a quiet place. I think I've forgotten how to relax... 

But the Lord has been speaking to me about next semester. You see, I think every semester there is a theme for each person of what God is trying to show that person. This past semester I was just seeing how weak I am. And how much I need God to be my strength. And it was one of the most humbling and best lessons of my life. I'm so grateful for the girls I got to spend time with and encourage and I was encouraged right back! We got to share in our weaknesses and see the Lord work in them!

And now I think God is showing me how this upcoming semester will be about being an example to girls. Especially when it comes to how to interact with our guy friends at the school. You see, the castle is a whole different world where you do almost everything together, girls and boy alike. And it's hard. It's really, really hard. And I feel the Lord exhorting me to be retrained on how to interact appropriately with our brothers. (Be holy for He is holy, and do not even have the appearance of sin!). And I'm so glad this last semester was about my weakness and His strength...because this is just not something I can do in my own self. I need Him to be my strength and guidance in this. 

And I know that He will. 

Where God has given us a name and a place, there we abide.

-Spurgeon

Christina and I :)

A Day Out With My Girls <3

Christmas Party 2013

PS. Goodbye Mr Foster :(

Hunger Games.

We went as a group from the school to see Hunger Games.

Christina and I didn't want anyone to go hungry.

Matthew 25:40
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Set a fire down in my soul...that I can't contain, that I can't control..

I'm so blessed to be doing this internship. I believe that it is equipping me for life in ministry in so many ways.
This past week we were blessed by the pastors to be able to do our weekly intern study in Budapest in order to ask Phil Metzger (head pastor of Golgota Budapest and long time missionary) questions about sermon prep and teaching. It's such an honor to be sitting at the feet of so many wise and experienced missionaries and pastors.

I can't believe there are only about three weeks left of this semester. These students are so special to me and when I look out into the coffeeshop at school I can really see the future and what God wants to do through all of us in this broken world.

As I think back at my life I think of how I never thought I'd get out of all the chaos and mess I was in. I really believed there was no way out of the pit of depression and no way out of an average life. Who knew Jesus could turn one's life so upside down? I'm so thankful and I am so unworthy! I'm ever-aware of that fact, and so please never misread me as bragging about my life. I boast only in the power of Jesus!

I miss my family, my church, my city so, so much. But that fire inside me for missions is burning wildly in my heart. There is no turning back!

Please pray for me as I continue this internship and as I pray about my future. As of right now I strongly desire to move to Turkey to live out my faith there and share the love of God there. I could use so much prayer! Thank you all. I can't believe this page is almost at 2000 views. Who are you crazy people?
I love you all, whoever you are.

I started a fundraising site for those who desire to help:
GoFundMe

Romania

It's been about a week or so since I've been back from Bistrita, Romania. I got to lead a team of 6 others on an outreach to the church out there. I'm so grateful to have gotten that opportunity, to have had such a wonderful team, and to be around a wonderful church yet again.
If you remember, I went to Bistrita exactly a year ago, but as a student and not an intern. It was a whole different ballgame this time, in my opinion.

To be completely honest it's really hard for me to get detailed about outreaches because I want to be very careful about exploiting the people we meet along the way...but I will attach some pictures and briefly explain what we did....

The train ride there was about 8 hours to Cluj and then the pastor was so gracious as to drive so late at night to pick us up and take us to Bistrita. We got into our apartment at about 12:30am. It felt so great to be back in that apartment (and the new central heating system definitely was a bonus since I'm terrible at making a fire!)

Our first day was spent doing practical ministry for the pastor and church. I got to stack wood and rake a massive amount of leaves for the first time. It was really great to be able to help out and save the missionaries time by doing this. 

We met a girl named Bianca that was so sweet and she came over and cooked us a real Romanian meal. It was a sweet time with her and we got to share our lives with each other and encourage each other. I think meeting her and making that new friendship was so divine :)

My favorite part of the outreach I unfortunately can't post pictures of: the orphanage. Every morning we got to go to the orphanage and bring the babies out into the sun. One of the missionaries, Natalie, has done so much in that orphanage (Praise God). Before she started volunteering there, the workers didn't care for the children at all; babies left in cribs all day to sit in their dirty diapers, no loving looks into their eyes, and no going the extra mile to love them. No wonder attachment disorder is so rampant in Romania. But to be able to bring them out into the sun and give them some real life experiences was so amazing. You can see how it has affected the babies. I fell in love with a little baby named Valentine. There was a moment where we were invited to an old woman's house where we sat in her beautiful courtyard, drinking her Turkish coffee, and eating her grapes of the vine while she shared about WWII. And I had the baby on my lap and it just felt so purely lovely. It was really hard to leave him once the week was over. But I'm so thrilled Natalie remains there to continue the work. And speaking of the old woman, she is not a Christian, yet we got to pray for her and talk to her and it was really another divine and lovely moment. 

Everyday we also got to hang out at the after school space for the Roma kids. Some days we just helped them with homework and hung out, building relationship, and some days we got to share a bible study with them. It was really cool to see them again. 

I remember last year one of my favorite things about the outreach was getting to share with the teen girl bible study. Last year I shared my testimony, and this year I shared about the woman caught in adultery in John 8 and about God's grace. It was so cool to be remembered by these girls and to get to hug and love them all over again. 

It was really fun to be able to teach a song about Jesus to a young English class :) They were so sweet and we had a blast. 

We also got to visit a Roma village and see some hunger for the word of God. 

All in all it was an amazing trip that further fanned the flame of my heart for missions.
God is showing me so much about the future and I am oh so excited for it!

Pictures from the outreach!