Waking up to see the Son.

Depression on the "field"

January and February were the hardest of my time here in Hungary. Something you all may not know is of my struggle with chronic depression. It's a shock to many because in my normal state I'm known as a positive girl with rainbows and sunshine seeping out of my pores. But it is true. And  it is a struggle for almost all women in my family. It was almost three years ago that I had the worst bout of it that had a duration of almost two years. Since my salvation I was depression free. Until this January when I felt the familiar darkness and shadowy mist envelope me. But, what?!  Can a Christian even get depressed?? The answer, my dear reader, is 'yes'. And before you offer me platitudes (which, truly, I appreciate the effort) of "but pray more" or "read the Word more!" or simply "Just snap out of it! This isn't you!" But it is me. Sometimes. And it's out of the realm of my control. But it isn't out of the control of God.
In the midst of a bout my brain malfunctions (study the amygdala and hippocampus because they are fascinating!!) and I am paralyzed with feelings of hopelessness, a desire for death, a plague of uncharacteristic insecurities, paranoia, anger, and an insatiable need to hang out with my enabling friends Sylvia Plath and Salinger. If you haven't gone through this it may not sound as bad as it actually is. It's actually quite a deadly disease. And now imagine this while living in a castle with 100 people's eyes on you as an intern leader. The pressure was insurmountable. After about the 400th breakdown and threat to quit at a friend's house, she finally got me an appointment with a psychiatrist in Budapest. He is quite amazing and asks all the right questions. I still have one more appointment until the final "diagnosis", but the past week I have finally been feeling myself rise out of the 'misty valley' of depression. And I can't believe all that I've learned in this process. God has been challenging me in the issues of my heart. I've had intense lessons learned in how He loves me (Jer. 15:21) and how that should look as I love others (1 Corinthians 13) and how to walk in integrity (Proverbs 20:7). And it's been really scary, and I was really close to throwing in the towel on this whole thing...but God was faithful. And it was His strength in my weakness that allowed me to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other (something I really couldn't have done on my own). 
But now as the mist lifts and the pieces of life are being put back together I am beginning to be able to go back to being me and doing the things I love to do. My passion for God and His people is flowing back, my desire to be around humans has been regained, and I have a hope for the future. And I have so much to live for. 
I wake up knowing there will be days full of laughter; days of lying in the sun; days of long talks with my best friend; days of helping someone in need; days of counseling others and being counseled; days of telling people about Jesus who don't yet know; days of good food dancing on my taste buds; days of reading books out loud with friends; days of discovery. 
These are the days I live for. And even in the mundane or painful days, Jesus is there, right by my side. And He is more than enough to keep me going. 

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The first of the lasts.

Well here we are. The winter break has officially ended and the first round of students will arrive within hours of me writing this. This is my last semester here in Vajta. This is my last time welcoming new students. This weekend will be my last welcome dinner and orientation.

But...it's also a lot of firsts. This is my first time as Girl's Hall Leader; my first time being the assistant to the amazing Pam Markey; my first time training people to take over my old responsibilities.

So, all that to say, there is much going on over here at the moment. And I'm so thankful. And nervous.

Please pray for me as I try to lead the girls this semester; or rather just lead them to Christ whenever a sorrow or stress arrives. Pray that God will use me to make girls feel loved, comfortable, and motivated. Pray that the girl's hall this semester will be "real" and open and unified.

I desperately need the prayer because I'm a weak and emotional person. I need Christ's strength every morning. I'm so thankful for God's grace in putting me here in these positions.

I'm so thankful that I get to assist Pam Markey this semester. It's such a blessing because, well, I have an announcement. January 2015 is my projected date to (God willing) return to Paphos, Cyprus to serve with the church there (Calvary Chapel Cyprus) and work as a private English tutor. Cyprus is an amazing and beautiful country, but it's also a country with baggage. There is so much unbelievable division between Turkish people and Greeks, and so North Cyprus is very muslim and South Cyprus is very Orthodox Greek; both of which are people I'm very passionate about. Many people there have a concept of God, but not the right ideas about who He is and who Jesus is. And as it turns out...their English teachers are a bit faulty...  The culture is warm and Greek, which is fit perfectly to my personality. The church there loves Jesus and just wants to share His love with the people, which I'm all about! It just all feels so very right! So working for Pam basically means I get to glean some of her wisdom on missions and ministry. God's definitely preparing me for something! SO PLEASE pray as I start a bit of language study (Greek), attempt to gain my Greek passport so I can live there, and as I raise money to finish paying for this internship and for my future.

It's going to be wild.

[Vanessa and I with the amazing young ladies of Paphos]

[Meeting new people on New Years Day in Paphos]

[Vaness and I with the church in Paphos on NYE]

Note: Also, please pray for my dear friend Vanessa. She is called to serve in Paphos as well, but is having some visa difficulty!!